Outtings with devices
I thought I was a confident person until I went out in public with a walking device/wheelchair. Lord, what a hard pill to swallow! My self-esteem was tested to the maximum and it was then when I realized that I was not a confident person at all. All the fabulousness I had gone out the window and I wished I was the rock on the bottom of my shoe. The disgust looks, rolling of the eyes, bad attitudes, and comments under people’s breath made me feel so ashamed and hurt. I almost felt guilty for being disabled and having to use these devices. Like it was my fault for living with NMO. I’m not going to lie; I hid in my house for a few months until I realized that I’m not to blame for the world’s reaction towards me. That the world’s lack of etiquette, empathy, and education is not my fault and I’m not to blame for wanting to live. I’m not the only person going through a constant journey of change. But, it takes time to accept change and to apply the confidence needed to make the transition easier.
The first time I got on a wheelchair in public was at Boston Logan International airport and I was chocking up in tears the whole time. I never forgot that day! I had a painful knot in my throat from wanting to cry the shame I felt from all the looks, the questions of “oh, what happened to you”, it was too much for me to handle at that time. My husband Ronny, kept reassuring me that if he were in my position, he would have flicked the middle finger out to anyone who was looking rude. He walked next to me as I was pushed by an airport attendee to our gate. Something about not being the same height or be elevated to “people” level felt so wrong. I remember limping my way into the bathroom and as soon as a sat on the toilet seat, I just cried. All types of questions running through my head; What did my husband feel? Was he just as embarrassed as me? What does the attendee think? What was everyone around me thinking? I felt so belittled and I was so concerned about what others thought of me.
My red shiny eyes gave my husband all the explanations he needed and immediately knew what I was feeling. Without me saying anything he reassured me that no one cares about why I’m in the wheelchair and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed for using a service that I needed. That he was proud of me for demonstrating strength. Yet with his reassurance, my self-esteem felt so low, and honestly, at the time it didn’t help. This affected our vibe as a couple in all aspects and with others. But his consistency of reassurance throughout the trip did help to not make me break down and cry everywhere we went. Not going to lie I had to speak to myself a few times to get in any type of mood so others wouldn’t notice my sadness inside me.
“Girl get it together and compose yourself, you come from a line of queens.”
I do get more confident with every outing in an assistive device. But still, to this day I struggle with accepting a wheelchair or any walking device. Since I’ve had a big dose of independent living, I know the ableism I used to have and therefore I accepting otherwise is unfathomable. Listen, I get it, it’s hard accepting change but it must be done. I had to sit on the wheelchair in 2017 so that in 2021 I can write about it. I had to sit in a wheelchair next to my husband to admire his courage in never giving up on me. I sat in the wheelchair and gained a new sense of hope of never giving up. I had to feel teared up and humiliated to build me again. It takes time to mourn our losses (even though I have not died), but are they losses? I did make it across the airport and on a plane went on vacation and came back. It’s a constant battle of yes you can and can’t. a daily internal battle that I know I’m not alone.
Please tell me about your experience, feelings, and reactions.
